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You Are What Your Bedtime Manners Are

Sanay akong matulog na naka-dekwatro habang hinihigan ng ulo ang dalawang palad.  Parang nagpapa-aircon ng kili-kili sabi ni BebeKo.  Lakas mang-asar nun.   Dagdagan na lang daw ng konting armpit hairs, pekpek na pekpek na daw ang tambok ng kili-kili ko.  Samantalang nagigising ako nang  madaling araw, nakasiksik naman sa akin, sa kili-kili ko pa.  Enjoy na enjoy sa amoy.  Ha! Ha! Di ko alam kung kelan ako nagsimulang mahiga ng ganito.  Siguro nung panahong nagsasama na  kami.  Sabi ng BebeKo who is a psychologist by profession, sleeping positions reveal the personality of a person.  There are six (6) basic sleeping positions: 

1.  Parang Beybi.  Nakatagilid na parang fetus in a crouched position.  ‘Yung mga taong ganito matulog ay tough on the outside, pero shy and sensitive naman in the inside. 

2. Tuod Style.  Naka-outstretch ang paa na parang kahoy at ang arms ay nasa gilid lang ng katawan.   Ang mga taong ganito matulog ay sociable and easy-going.  They always want to be part of the ‘‘in’’ crowd.  Ayaw na ayaw nila ng naa-out of place. 

3.  Namamalimos. Pa-side matulog.  Naka-outstretch ang paa at ang dalawang kamay ay naka-stretch na parang namamalimos.  Ganito matulog ang mga taong very open ang nature, pero suspicious sa iba. 

4.  Sundalong Kanin.  Flat ang pagkakadaupang ng likod ng katawan sa higaan.  Arms on the side.  Ang mga taong natutulog na parang sundalo ay mga tahimik at reserved.  They have a very high standards.   

5.  Tulog pa-Aircon ng Kili-Kili.  Naka-stretch ang paa kala mo sa kanya ang buong higaan.  Ang dalawang palad ay nasa gilid ng ulo o kaya’y hinihigan.  Ito ang sleeping position ng mga may pagkamahangin saka gregarious.  (Yehey!  Di naman sinabing ganito matulog ang mga malilibog).  They are sociable and bold but they don’t like criticisms. 

6.  Buyangyang na Tulog.  Kung ang No. 5 ay kala mo sa kanya ang buong higaan, ito naman kala mo pag-aari nya ang buong universe.  Walang pakelam kung anong position nakahilata.  Free form ika nga.  Ang mga natutulog ng pabuyangyang ay ang mga taong good listeners saka madaling makagaanan ng loob.  Beri prenli.   

Not necessarily na isang position lang ang tulog mo.  You can be a combination of any of the six basic positions.  Pero once na nasanay ka na sa ganung position ng pagtulog, you rarely change it.  It’s like a hard habit to break.

  

Something Reminds Me of Home

Bertdey ng big bro ni Beatriz’ (Pinoy Big Bro S2 housemate) and they’re celebrating in booze.  They live right in front of the apartment we’re renting.  Not that I want some free Bicol express pulutan but I figured out it’s more therapeutic to verbalize pent up fears and angst with the sunog baga boys than wash the dishes or meet up with MyCompany’s clinical psychologist. This one’s free while the latter costs my company some thousand of bucks while I banter with a totally stranger twerp.  The family and relatives are cool, though still quite affected with the fight inside big bro’s house involving Bea and Maricruz weeks and weeks ago.  I wasn’t sure what the feud was but MayBebeKo told me something about ‘we all have our dark sides’.  I am sure she’s not referring to my dark armpits.  I have my ‘dark side’ get over me when any member of my family is under hostile attack. Once I grabbed a man by his throat when he yanked a grocery cart from the lane which MayBebeKo already had.  MayBebeKo was in shock so I had to teach the guy some manners which he may have left in bed when he woke up.  I know you had your moments like that too.  And I don’t think it’s bad to be protective of our family.  That’s what make us Pinoy.   

Still unsure what was the fight all about, I told the brother and sisters their Bea was doing great.  As an outsider and reluctant representative of the masa, that was a relief for them to hear.  Though we changed venue with my sunog baga boys to the nearest mango tree (so that I have time to hide when MayBebeKo starts looking for me), they pitched us some pulutan.  It’s like I didn’t go far from home.  In the prabins, we share dishes with the neighbors.  Though we get a better dish in return of the binagoongang kangkong mother did, it’s not always a question of what have you given but the thought of giving that counts.  Here, we didn’t give any in return.  I was even uninvited.  Katas lang ng laway, sabi ni patrick ulul sa kin.  Para tuloy akong nanggulang nito, nakaka-guilty aman.  Nyahaha. 

I went home before my curfew but I suspect MayBebeKo was mad as hell I felt somebody kicked me out of the airbed.  Just had a little dislocated shoulder blade  I wasn’t able to go for the boxing match the next day.  Until now, she pleads innocent.   At 4 am, the whole subdivision was still blasting in videoke.  A little later, some exchanges of bad words, sound of breaking bottles of Red Horse, and yo mama jokes like ‘your mama so fat, she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller’, everyone’s skewering for his life.  Somebody just runs amok. 

I just smiled in bed.  Something still feels like home.

 

Spider Man 3: Penis Innuendos and Kissing Scene on the Flipside

Spider Man 3 is just like 1 and 2 made longer.  When I saw Sam Raimi’s name flashed onscreen as director of the last of his trilogy, I dreaded he may not be able to pull it again.  I was wrong.  Though the guy is crazy, he managed to place all the chaos in the storyline in its order.   

Parker struggles with his own demons with the coming of the black Spider suit.  Except for his unintentional slapping of MJ, I think Parker is cooler with his dark suit on.  He does John Travolta Saturday night fever moves, smacks the hideous photographer Eddie Brock, kills the Sandman, and puts Osborn on fire for being a cry-baby.  That’s what superhero is all about right?, killing bad people and whiners.   

The usual Raimi signatures are evident in the movie.  All his characters are always a bunch of physical imperfections.  I guess he puts character in the characters by distorting the physical.  The police, Osborn’s butler, Parker’s dorm manager, Flint Marko, hell everyone looks dysfunctional here except for newcomer Bryce Dallas Howard (from M.Night Shyamalan’s Lady in the Water) who’s role is to wear a smile and kiss Spiderman on the flipside.  If dating someone who looks like a fairy is normal to you, she passes up as the only normal character here.  The daughter of Parker’s dorm manager looks like an ambassador of malnutrition with the gaunt.  Parker’s usual big bug eye and MJ’s a little protruded lateral incisors are a feast to Sam Raimi’s fetishes.  Even Harry Osborn did not escape to Raimi’s god complex with his left face burned and frittered. 

Raimi also tries his ‘Three Stooges’ comedy antics in a scene where Parker is supposed to propose to MJ in the restaurant.  The restaurateur keeps on calling him ‘Pecker’ which drives the audience to laughter.  Very ‘Three Stooges’. 

The Spiderman creator has his cameo appearance in the movie (the scene before Parker is given the symbolic key to New York city).  How do I know?  I don’t.  If you place a bunch of intellectual twerps inside a movie theater, you overhear pop trivias like this from everywhere.  MyCompany paid the 6:30 – 10:00 pm block of Greenbelt 3 for the exclusive screening of its pa-pampam overly-intelligent employees.  And it’s a heaven when every moviegoer gets the punchline and laughing in unison.  You don’t always experience that in a movie theater.  Sometimes people laugh because others are laughing. 

There are two important lessons here.  One, even superheroes need emotional validation (Parker is always in his ‘O everyone loves me? Everyone loves me!’ self-reassurance).  And two, ‘To be a husband, you have to put your wife first in everything you do’. No, there’s no ‘Great power comes great responsibility’ sound byte here.  If you ask how does ‘To be a husband, you have to put your wife first’ fit in a spider movie?  I don’t know.  It’s just there.  You don’t believe me ?  Go watch the movie and find out yourselves.  Moron.

Postcard to Heaven

Hi Pa,  

I’m scared as hell.  After the holdup suspense thriller inside the bus I experienced last week, it’s only tonight I have the realization that I could have been possibly blown off into smithereens with the rest of the passengers and the bus.  The holduppers were armed with caliber 45 and two hand grenades.  I see hatred and desperation painted all over their faces.  If this is post traumatic symptoms, I don’t know.  One guy aimed his pistol right into my face, point blank, thinking I was some big time bank executive who happened to leave his car from home because it’s flat and rode the bus to work.  Too much porma can kill.  He was ready to pull the trigger anytime I resist or twitch a finger.   

For the past days, I have been shrugging off the experience, even trying to make fun of it like telling how my co-passengers were singing some Brader Mike Velarde anthems.  My decision to work here in Manila could have cost me my life. 

At one AM, I called kuya bong on the phone.  He was obviously in his REM.  He asked me if I’m okay.  Hearing his obviously drunk voice was enough to calm me.  Next to you of course, I just wish he was here with me.  I told him I’m good which is half the truth.  I’m living in this big bad city and at any moment, I’m dead meat here and nobody would know, only until they get to see me on TV Patrol or Saksi as the guy floating by the river or one helpless soul with his lung ripped in the dark alleys of Manila.  If that wasn’t a scary thought, I don’t know what is.   

I thought I would be seeing you any moment.  I hope you really are in heaven because it’s more depressing thought that you ain’t there at all.  I miss you a lot these days.  Mommy misses you too.  You haven’t been showing up in my dreams lately.  I sorely miss our conversations.  Always be pogi up there, so that when we see each other, I can be proud that I am your son.   

P.S. Don’t flirt with the angels.  They don’t have vaginas.

Devils Exist, Whether You Believe Or Not

Naholdap ako today.  Madapacking sheet, the thing my barkada and I have been trying to avoid just happened.  I was on an aircon bus en route Makati via SLEX.  Di ko pa pinansin nung sumigaw si Manong Holdaper ng ‘Huldap etu’, serious pala.  ’Kala ko alagad lang ni Brader Mike Velarde o kelangan ng love offering. Tatlo silang lahat, ’yung dalawa naka-hand grenade saka ’yung mukhang kupal na lider may caliber 45.  Nakuha ’yung Nokia cellphone ko.  Patay, andami ko pa namang butt-naked photos saka different angle shots ng etits ko dun baka i-post sa internet ng mga gago.  Nakipag-negotiate pa ako kung pwede kunin ’yung sim saka memory card, inangasan pa ako.  Tanginix talaga. 

This is the time when you do nothing but close your eyes.  Trains of thought came rushing in.  ‘Yung pagiging kupal ko during college…  Kung bakit pumunta punta pa ko dito sa Manila… Si BebeKo… ‘Yung church wedding ko sa December 8, pano na…  Nilapitan ulit ako ni Hand Grenade Boy, pinapalabas lahat ng gamit ko.  Tinutok ’yung baril.  Sabi ko wala na.  Natira na lang ’yung packed lunch kong ginataang tilapia.  Kung gusto nilang bitbitin okay lang.  Kunyari ko lang ‘yun pero ‘yung wallet ko naitabi ko sa ilalim ng passengers’ seat.  Convinced naman si gago.  Saka sabi din ni Kumander Holdaper, okay na, naibigay ko na daw lahat sa kanya, ambilis ko nga daw magbigay parang taga air force.  Di ko tuloy alam kung matutuwa ako sa compliment ni gago.   

The experience was dizzying.  Hyperventilate ako (sakit ’yun ng mga rich-looking saka maporma), nagsuka ako sa bus.  The breakfast noodles MayBebeKo prepared for me came shooting out of my nose.  Sayang, imported pa naman brand.  Thoughtful din naman ang mga gagong holdaper kasi sabi dun sa chik na katabi ko tulungan daw ako mahimasmasan.  Naisip ko kung sinukahan ko na lang kaya ‘yung mga holdaper, baka sakaling mandiri saka magtatatakbo.  (Kung anu-ano naiisip ko).   

Point to point na pala ang uso ngayon sa holdapan.  Kung dati dun sa Holdap Highway lang – from SM Fairview to Bagong Silang which is the north side, ngayon mula biyaheng Laguna going SM Makati ang puntirya ng mga holdapers.  Sa may parteng Guadalupe na bumaba ang tatlo.  Di nga nakapalag ‘yung dalawang pasaherong pulis.  ’Yung isa pinosasan, tapos ’yung kalbo nakuha ’yung dalawang baril.  Okay na din ’yun, baka kasi mas may nadamay pa kung pumorma sila.  Otherwise, I am six feet below the ground by now.  And all my years of sacrifices gone to waste.  

The bus proceeded to Camp Crame in Quezon City after the incident.  The incident has to be reported.  Just another case to be added to the increasing crime index statistics of Manila. 

Sometimes You Need to Fight to be a Man

- Kenny Rogers, Coward of County (1990)

Pers taym kong sinubukan ang boxing, ’yung scientific ang approach hindi ’yung dati ko nang natutunan na nakikipagbasagan ng mukha sa kalye gamit ang bote ng Red Horse.  150 pesos ang per session at 1,500 pesos naman kung monthly ang bayaran sa GymPlus sa Metropolis Alabang.  May pagkabano ako sa paglalaro ng ballgames except my own balls kaya tinapon ko na ang idea na maging magaling na bolbolista someday at mapanood sa tv ng madlang sangkatauhan (kaya magma-masturbeyt na lang ako sa banyo, satisfaction guaranteed pa) Ha! Ha!.  Inerase ko na din ang idea na maging taga abot ng towel ng mga players o taga punas kaya ako ng bola sa PBA o taga linis ng court during halftime break in the hope na madaanan ako ng camera at mag-register naman ang aking gorgeous face sa tv.  Tagal ko nga ding pinraktis sa salamin ‘yung mala-engkantong close up smile ko.  Walang binatbat si Xi ng The Gods Must Be Crazy (1980) kunsakali.   Hindi ko alam kung anong pumasok sa intelliggence brain cells ko at tinopak akong mag-boxing.  Siguro ’yun ’yung nabadtrip ako sa payatot na kaopisina kong si RayQ nung nag-outing kami.  Boksingero daw si RayQ at lumalaban sa amateur boxing.  I laughed so hard my regurgitated meal was shooting out of my nose.  Na-offend si RayQ gusto yata akong sampolan.  Lakas tama.  Isang ihip ko lang dun baka magkalasan ‘yung skeletal system nun.  But of course, I sensed a degree of seriousness in his threat so it’s just animal instinct to retaliate anyway. 

Unang tinuro ni Jim, boxing instructor din sa Ateneo De Manila ang talangka stance.  Left foot forward and right foot at the back pointing to the right direction.  60% of the body weight must be supported by the right foot.  Forward one, two… right foot side step one, two…  Nakngtinapa, di naman ako kumuha ng dance lesson, kung anu-anong choreography ek ek ang pinapagawa sa kin ng tukmol na ‘to.  Mukha tuloy akong uto-uto sa mga usiseros sa Metropolis.    Sa stretching ako nahirapan and abdominal exercises dahil sa aking beer belly.  Manageable pa naman ang butchog ko, nasisilip ko pa din naman ang dulo ng titi ko kahit papaano.  Pero sabi ni Jim dapat bawasan ko pa ng 10 kg ang weight ko to achieve the ideal weight for my height.  Maynas pogi points kaya ‘yun.  Hindi na ako mapagkakamalang fertility gods na hinihipo-hipuan ng mga hot mama na gusto ulit magkaanak.  Matutuwa din si Golden Buddha dahil wala nang threat sa kanyang career. For all it’s worth, boxing is a good fallback career which I may consider.  He! He!

 

Futureme.org

Date: April 17, 2027 

Dear Future Me – 48 years old, 

 I have not much to do today.  Kesa naman mag-braid ako ng nostril hairs ko dito sa opisina, okay na ‘yung sulatan na lang kita.  I hope I made the right decisions today to make you what you are in your own time.  ‘Yung pagpupursige ko at paggi-gym ko araw araw.  Sana di ka pa obese. Ilan na ba ang anak mo ngayon?  Sana nagkaroon ka ng anak, baka kasi bugok ang sperm cells mo e.  (Ha! Ha!).  You are now in you’re mid-life crisis.  Nakakalbo ka na din siguro.  At least natupad na ’yung matagal mo nang pangarap na maging kamukha ni Bruce Willis.  Hindi ka man naging porn star, na ’yun naman ang unang wish mo sa buhay, at least pang-Hollywood ka na.    

Sana naman, in your time and age, may sarili ka nang tsikot saka nabili mo na din ’yung dream house mo para kay Judith.  Sa US ka na ba ngayon?  Sana naman wala na kayo sa apartment sa Tunasan.  Nakakabad-trip ang mga manyak na higad don.  Bigla na lang mahuhulog sa hita ko at iba pang private parts.  Bastos talaga.  Kala siguro nung mga tadong higad na ’yun e higad din ang pototoy ko.  Baka naman sa San Pedro na din kayo nag-settle down? Ayaw kasi ni Judith sa Laguna, gusto niya maging ispokening dollar ang kanyang mga kutitots paglaki, stateside.  ’Yung duduguin sa ilong ’yung mga lola ng mga bata sa kaiinglis.  May pagka-salbahe din kasi si Judith kung minsan.  (Ha! Ha!)   Nagtuloy ka ba maging abugado? Okay lang kung di ka nagtuloy.  Di naman sasama ang loob ko sa ’yo.  Life is too much precious to spend studying law.  Kung nagma-malling na lang kayo ni Judith o kaya nagpapagulong-gulong sa Tagaytay Highlands, it’s worth the time pa.    I expect you to be mature in your ways by now.  ‘Wag ka nang nagkakamot ng betlogs mo in public places.  Hindi cute ’yun.  Baka pagkamalan kang malibog na senior citizen, ikulong ka pa.  (Ha! Ha!) Sana hindi ka na uto-uto ngayon.  Ikaw na ‘yung nagsasamantala at nang-uuto (Ha! Ha!)     

Musta si Mommy?  Stay to be his Superman.  Ikaw ang inaasahan niya to be strong and to be there for your siblings.  Don’t fail her.  Alagaan mo siya tulad ng pag-aalaga niya sa ‘yo nung sipunin at supot ka pa lang.  Kung may pagkukulang man in the past, bury the hatchet.  Be grateful for all the things that matters.   Nagkukulitan pa rin ba kayo ni Judith?  Tuloy niyo lang ‘yan.  Don’t take yourself seriously, nobody else does.  Nire-wrestling ko nga kagabi si Bebe ko, ‘yung magra-rupture na ‘yung lungs niya kasi di na makahinga.  Enjoy ‘yun.  (Ha! Ha!)  Nakakaganti din naman si Bebe ko sa akin.  Nung linggo nga, habang pinapanood ko ’yung delayed telecast ng Pacquiao vs. Solis fight.  Bine-baby powder (in Tagalog, Biñan Laguna – style, napulbos pulbos) ni Pacquiao si Solis.  Exciting to maximum multiple level, biglang nag-text si Bebe saka sinabi na na-knock out ni Pacquiao si Solis sa 8 round.  Nawala na tuloy ‘yung suspense.  Sutil.  Regards mo din ako kay Judith.  Alagaan mo siya ng husto.  Mahal na mahal ko ’yan.  Andami na niyang pagtitiis sa ’yo kahit gago ka.  I expect you to be a good husband to her and good father to your kids.  Enjoy your time together.  Hold her hands and watch the sunset by the beach.  Don’t forget to kiss her always before you go to sleep.  Watch movie dvd’s together with pancit canton on the side.  Gaze stars at night and weave dreams from your past unfulfilled.   

From, 

PastMe – 27 years old 

Technosexual in the Galaxy of Labia Minora

Migz Paraz defines technosexual as an individual with a sexual attraction to machinery. The term was recently redefined to describe a male with a strong aesthetic sense and a (non-sexual) fondness for technological accessories.  By no means, my inclination to those rotating sex rings and synthethic crying vaginas does not make me a technosexual after all.  Ngayong linggo, ni-raid ang mga bangketa sa Raon sa may Quiapo na nagbebenta ng mga sex toys.  That makes me upset for days wala akong ganang kumain (Ha! Ha!).  Buti na lang kamo sa GreenHills ako bumibili kundi kasama pala ako sa mga nakulong at binabatuk-batukan ng mga pulis ng Western Pulis District (WPD). 

Don’t take yourself seriously. No one else does.

nainspire ako bigla ng mabasa ko ang kwentong tambay ni nicanor david.  malupet.  his writing is funny, creative and at some point insightful.  di ako makapag-jingle kasi gusto kong tapusin lahat ng blog entries nya.  ibang klase. finorward ko na nga ung links sa mga barkada ko para di rin cla maka-jingle. 

tagal ko na gusto subukan mag-blog.  it took one crazy ofw guy to send my ass and start writing.  di naman ako writer pero parang an sarap ung gnagawa nya.  parang gnagagago nya lahat pero di naman talaga.  he makes sarcasm out of life and makes me laugh my ass out.